Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs

Burn Satan Burn!

2009-01-02T12:21:00.001+08:00

My mom's possessed again.

Dad's exorcising her.

Go dad!

I saw the devil burn in every scream. I saw 'it' thrash about in and out of space. Black parched, with orange flame scars. Struggling like a shrimp on a frying pan.

Do not underestimate God's power.
You keep coming back. It's fun isn't it. Toying with my mom like that. You enjoy the pain. It's like a game. I am not challenging you. I am just warning you of God's power.

Slice and Dice

2008-12-23T00:53:00.004+08:00

For 2 months I was different. For 2 months I deceived myself by saying that everything's okay. Took my brain juice, add my pills. But all it took was two minutes. Two minutes where time stood still. When my brain collapsed and I returned to my state of, monstrosity. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Fucking hell.

Maybe its the work. Maybe its the play. Maybe once again its mom.

Such pity...

...dad stopped praying. I don't know why. I can't do this alone.

2008-11-24T20:23:00.001+08:00

Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time...
But today I’ve wasted away, for today is on my mind...

2008-11-24T00:04:00.001+08:00

I'm lost

Shop till you Drop

2008-11-23T10:29:00.002+08:00

I don't hate shopping.

But there's someting about wandering around a mall that tires me out quickly. I can walk around outside all day, but 5 minutes in the mall and I'm done. Plus there's the fact that the longer you wander around, the more likely it is you'll end up buying things you don't really need but seemed like such a great bargain at the time.

I kinda feel bad sometimes cause I know that it is in the woman's blood. So the best I can do is tolerate it. If you love someone, you must learn to accept him/her. So yeah. At least I am not the only one out there.

As a man let me try and clarify - I don't hate shopping, I like to shop actually. What I hate is shopping with a girlfriend who takes two steps and says 'oh look at this' and this process of taking two steps and then 'oh, look at this' is repeated endlessly. I get really, really upset when we decide to leave and this process continues from the far side of the mall all the way back to the door we came in at. I SHOP ALONE

At least for me its not that bad.

2008-11-19T02:06:00.001+08:00

Congratulations on your new daughter! May the son leave the house now..

2008-11-18T17:50:00.000+08:00

2008-10-30T13:08:00.003+08:00

A little white rabbit killed the other
then it realises it was his father
Blood rushes out and falls down as rain
Oh God, it hurts, father cried out in pain

Before father died, he took out his gun
He pulled the trigger and shot down his son.
Dancing red streams shot to the sky,
leaving the two rabbits, both dead and dry.

2008-10-21T00:35:00.001+08:00

Just because I have a girlfriend doesn't mean I can't be befriended. Who's anti-social now. Me or you. Freaking hell.

When she came into my life. Suddenly silence. Wtf.

2008-10-17T18:12:00.000+08:00

I feel my nails rip my flesh; I feel I’ve gone insane. I never wanted to hurt you, but you made me this way. So now I know I’m crazy, I feel there’s no more pain. These voices call out to me, they’re screaming out my name.

2008-10-09T13:42:00.002+08:00

I'm freed

Piang!

2008-09-07T01:48:00.004+08:00

I don't feel like sleeping. Im feeling my soul seeping out of me. But I just don't feel like sleeping. Its like slicing your heart out and forgetting about the pain; watching yourself bleed. Neither soothing nor painful. I am an egg. I am a frigging egg.

Hotel Trauma

2008-09-05T13:59:00.005+08:00

Take a deep breath, could be the cure-

Questions I have to answer when I want to go out, every single time:

Where are you going?
Who are you going with?
Why are you going with this/these person/people?
How long are you going out?
What time will you be back?
Is there a real need to go out?
Why now?
Why them?
Where are you going to have your dinner?
Do you have money?

Why not me?
Why not go out with me?
Are you ashamed to go out with me?
Can I go out together with you and your friends?
What if I stay a distance away can I still go out with your friends?
Can I go to school with you?
Can I visit your school?
I want to see how your school is like, are you ashamed of me?
When will you do housekeeping?
Your room is in a mess when are you going to clean it up?
The house is not mopped when are you going to mop it up?
Where are you going to pray?
Are you going to go out everyday?
How long will it be like this?
Don't you have work to do?
Your mom is sick, dad's working, why aren't u staying at home?

-It could be your last, can't know for sure

young and wasted look at me now

2008-09-05T12:51:00.000+08:00

I'm screwed up.

*plays weird weh-woo-weh-woo LSD music*

<3

2008-09-05T02:02:00.002+08:00

Because when you're gone...who am I gonna give my love poems to?

Russian Roulette

2008-09-05T01:59:00.006+08:00

When you asked me whether I wanna break up, what was in your mind.

Suicide?

Because, you do know there was a possibility of me saying: yes

You still took your chances and I do not think its due to you trusting me.

Its plain suicide.

Slaiva

2008-09-05T01:34:00.004+08:00

I remembered watching an anime movie a while back. It was very heart warming, touching, made me tear a little. The movie was genius. Perfect. Simple. The life of a lady. The memories she had. All too familiarly related to someone whom I knew and loved so much. Which one? They are all the same. How delicate is the female form and how weak is the male's heart.

When you love someone, you do not treat him with respect nor dignity. When you love someone, and you show your love to him, you just want him to love you back. It's a sick egoistic twisted world out there, and when he blows you a whiff, you watches as the glowing images of lips float towards yours, entranced. It's all desire. You want his touch, you want his care, you want his support. There is no such thing as I want to love you because I just feel like donating something to charity today. It's a fair trade, a blind trade. Blind to yourself, absolute darkness to the victim. But then again, it might be the same to the other so you felt cheated so you kill him. Bang! No remorse. You got what you want. Now! Be free! Don't tear my rose. You lied to youself, now wake up and blend into the darkness of the vegas lights! There are many fishes in the sea, go get yourself another sucker (fish). Happy to suck you off bringing you to orgasmic delight. "Get lost you piece of shit! Ok, Im sorry baby, I wont say that again..piece of shit.."

But this is not true love. This is basically how human beings treat one another.

I aint human. I'm a freak. I love her, but want nothing from her except for her to be a good person. In the mean time, I'm going to be patient, just like how I usually am.

Wandering sparrows

2008-09-03T15:30:00.004+08:00

Puzzle pieces forming together it seems but what is the overall picture, its up to you. Opinions and ideas may not be fact. I am me, I know what's in my heart. Don't worry, the seas aren't rocky tonight.

I must make full use of it

2008-08-31T13:33:00.004+08:00

I dno how to feel... Guilty? Horrible in fact. I wanna pay it with my own money, but he told me not to touch that money because its for school. Then he passed me the cash.

Pa...no...are you serious...
What do you think...
If you are serious, lets split, 50/50...
Where do you get the money...
From my bank...
That money is for your studies, you must not touch it...
okay...

i must do well in my studies. That is a must.

The Lost Tide

2008-08-30T01:00:00.002+08:00

Creeping..Im creeping all over you
as you lay to waste I watched you fall over into the pits
arms outstretched, you grabbed it
bad mistake, i fell head first
falling faster than a car crash, breathing misery
Stupid fallacy, nobody you wanna be, I drowned in the sea

Taatatatataaaa!

2008-08-22T02:30:00.003+08:00

Im gonna be a warrior this Ramadhan.

Since I cant gym from 7am - 7pm as I will be drained, i'm gonna shift my bodyclock to sleep from 7am - 2pm (7 hours).

Plan:

(7pm) Breakfast- Eat dates + lots of water (natural Gatorade)
-pray-
(7:30) Eat real huge meal (meat, vegetable, rice, bread, bananas) + drink lots of water
(9pm) Eat (cheese ham sandwhich) + drink protein shake + drink lots of water
-pray-
(11pm) Drink lots of water
(11:30) Work out. (Since there is no gym available, ill do my workouts at home)
-work out-
(1am) Rest. Drink lots of water. Eat sandwich. Do Maya.
(3am) Sleep.
(4am) Wake up. Go for run. (1.2km warm up + 2.4km time trial)
(5:30) Eat + drink lots of water
-pray-
(6am) Sleep

From experience, I realised that my body cannot really consume so much food. I found out that the mistake I made was to force myself with food so suddenly so my digestive system is shocked. With this routine, my body would be able to absorb better. We shall see this year. If it works, good. It if doesn't..nah..it should work fine. :)

Parthenophobia

2008-08-21T15:02:00.003+08:00

I dont like to talk to girls because im afraid history will repeat itself. I believe it already has.

No. Nobody will get hurt this time.

Poor Things

2008-08-21T00:36:00.002+08:00

I am not disturbed about the thought of the baby's brain transplanted into the adult's head. I am very disturbed about the fact that the baby's brain is in the head of her mother who commit suicide while she was in it.

14 stories down

2008-08-08T01:26:00.003+08:00

It is 1:30am this morning and I am in love once again. In love with my family, in love with my friends, in love with myself. Today my friend told me he didn't know depression was hereditary. 3 generations, maybe more. I am the cure. God is the saviour. Whichever path I go, I will end this. But I am running out of time.

Theres always that easy way out. But it is my last resort. I'll give myself 6 weeks.

standard chartered 10km run

2008-07-27T01:01:00.000+08:00

Lets do it.

toodoodoodoo

2008-07-22T19:49:00.003+08:00

There are so many things I have plan to do. Quite excited. Can't wait to start. It's like as though I have just awaken. Yeah, yeah, another one of my reborn stages. This time, maya is out of question. I'm gonna list down all these things I wanna do and stick it on my wall. One by one I'm gna accomplish my goals. First up! Complete one round around the reservoir! The distance should be about 6km I guess. The max distance I have ever gone is 4km. 6km? Hmm..

My elbow is almost healed! GYMM TIME BABY! yearghhh!!!!

Patience

2008-07-20T18:44:00.001+08:00

This world needs more people with initiative.

Final Year

2008-07-15T20:28:00.001+08:00

No textbook will teach the importance of perseverance, industry and self-belief.
No academic journal will be able to explain the intricacies of pride, expectation and disappointment.
No syllabus can impart the truest appreciation of faith, friendship and and love.

Im going to miss poly.

A picture speaks a thousand words.

2008-07-14T19:07:00.003+08:00

Happiness exist. This picture proves my point.

Okay camera people! Serious face! haha

dog

2008-07-07T20:33:00.004+08:00

From hottie to nottie,
from bitch to hot chick.
People change.
in a matter of 3 years.
But it also
depends on whether you change your line.
So
basically: life changes you.
Can't help it. But seriously.
Wow. Shes the same.
Okay fine, she got worst.
Met her. Owned. Left.
Owned for 5 secs doesnt mean owned for life. Crap.
Wow. Damn. Ill move on. They won't move on. They will in fact move a little. Cause I cant help it but drag damn along from the chains around their necks. Miles back they get dragged behind. Secretly scheming to crawl up the chains that stretch out back to their master, and eat his brain out.

Last night's dream

2008-07-06T12:05:00.003+08:00

There was a revolution. They called themselves the blacks. They went to schools and massacred everyone. I remembered, some of my good friends were murdered. There were various torture machines. One of them is one that kills you by sound. You put on a ear piece and they will blast a high frequency tone that blasts your brain inside your skull. Next!

I escaped. I barely did. It was a close call. I had to keep going. They were after me. There were some areas where they did not go. Where they forgive them. I had to reach that place. I did. Funny. It was a madrasah.

Visions

2008-07-02T19:04:00.003+08:00

3 days in a row without my capsules, and this happened.

I was just sitting there. What was I doing there? Just sitting there. I said something. What did I say? I said something. My dad roared. Tension rose. The whole place went silent. I kept my silence. I said something again. Again? I said something again. He roared again. He came charging into my room. I was there, watching it all happening in slow motion. His fist curled, elbow bent backwards and he slammed his knuckles right into my left cheek. I went ice cold but in that process that lasts around 20 frames. I was pretty much alive. My nerves tensed up, veins clogged, heart cringed, brain matter decayed and bones brittled. I was on the floor. Looking downwards. I was okay. I got up. Returned to my seat. I said something. Something. He shoved me down again. Then he pounded me. On my face, my stomach, my chest. Pounded. I coughed. There was no blood. I was sweating. Sweat and tears from my swollen eyes. No teeth anywhere, so that was a good sign. My dad backed off. Still yelling at me. Then silent. I got up. I took up my skateboard and stared at my dad. Not a menacing stare, but a dead one. I just stared. Then roared. I roared at how I never felt happy. I roared at how they never made me feel happy. I roared at how I want to be cured. I roared at how sorry I am. I roared at the mistakes I made. I roared of not knowing what I said was wrong. I roared that I hated them all. I raised my skateboard high, and slammed the deck onto my mom's face. She had to stand there. She had to ask for it.

I do not want to make that choice again.

2008-06-08T00:13:00.001+08:00

Ive broken a heart before. I will not do it again.

Live with a vengence

2008-06-07T21:20:00.006+08:00

Why is it when I bring about an interest, people mock, but when somebody else does it, he is hailed. Why is it when people are called upon, he is applauded, but when I do, there's silence.
Why is it when people talk, they are given a positive aura, but when I do, it is grim.
Why is it when I joke, its lame, but when they do, its hilarious.

There is no such thing as equality in this world. It goes further than male and female or between race or culture. It goes all the way to individuals. Everybody is equal but there are those who are more equal than others.

How it is decided is by the image each person portrays. So at the end of the day, nobody is allowed to be who they wanna be because if society does not like it, then they will not go far. You have to entertain the people, make them happy, oblige and follow. Only then will you go far. Far yes, but they are the limit. You will work for them, you will polish their shoes. You will pay them and surrender all your wealth.

They have sold your soul. Your life is in their hands.

So reach out your hand, and grab it back from them, and just be who you wanna be, without mercy, without regrets, without shame.

Live with a vengence.

Thats what Im going to do.

Prozac: The chronicles of mood swings due to depression

2008-06-06T23:57:00.003+08:00

Happy isn't the word, euphoria is.
Anger isn't the word,
rage isn't either.
What is normal.
Zero mark. Tick tack, tick tock.
Metronome.
Faster.
Faster!
FASTER!

Stop.

GO!

Im happy, im sad, I hate you, I love you.
I need meds, no sir, im well.
No im not. Yes, I am.

But a moment ago I was...
normal?
Faster.
Faster!
ANGER!

Sad. Selfish.
Selfless. Sold.

The perfume is sold!
No! No! No! NO!
What to buy, where to buy!
I don't need money!
Where to go, what to do! This town has nothing!
Nothing for me!

Panic.
Blind.
Dizzy.
ANGER!
SADNESS!
Pauses.

I should do nothing.
Nothing at all.
Breathe, pause, look.
Smiling.

Everything is all right.
Its time to sleep little one.
Skips into the twilight.

A dream last night

2008-06-02T00:18:00.004+08:00

Since nobody wants to own up, we shall carry on this procedure. An electric drill will be pierced through your neck. It is just an illusion and if you aren't the one, you will pass out when the drill touches your skin. But if you are the one, it will go through your flesh and you can't even scream.

girl put your records on

2008-05-30T01:06:00.004+08:00

Visions of murder once again fills my head. Once again I smashed him into an incoming car. He was asking for it. I can smell it coming. Ill give this 3 more months to boil.

Relax DIY

2008-05-28T20:36:00.001+08:00

Avoid toxic people. People who try to guilt you into doing things, or tell you you're not good enough, are people you should spend minimal time with (yes, even if they are family and friends). Your life and health are YOUR responsibility.

R.I.P.

2008-05-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

im sad man...

im so affected by it

i dont believe this

i kena many shirts

but

this particular shirt

means a lot to me

a lot of memories

a lot of good memories

nobody else wore this shirt

until today

Airplane!

2008-05-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. It's a dumb question... skip it.

And the title of that song was?

2008-04-26T16:44:00.001+08:00

Last night was such a magical night. A night that I shall never forget. 3 of us. MX, Wei Hong and I. Bathing in the light of glory. Superstardom. Say all you want. Only we and a few others will understand how its like.

Just walk away

2008-04-20T15:06:00.003+08:00

So much has happened since. The reset button was pressed, history is repeating itself. I'm back to who I was. Same situation, same place, same life. Realisation. Realising that nothing has changed. Situations are the same as before and how old am I. I'm going to die tomorrow. Why am I still sitting here.

I have learnt a lot from the past few months. I have learnt to shut ears. People talk, people say things, people insult, people tease, people don't care about how you feel. These are the devil-people. I have suffered so much that I really don't care about people no more. It's not about anger or fury. But its more of sympathy. Not for myself. But for them. How can they ever be so low as to do such a thing. I really don't understand.

There was a time when I got so fed up that I got irritable and I turned into a devil myself. But that is so un-islamic. So I chose to just take it positively and ignore. Not only ignore but also slowly let it fade into the distance. Patience.

I believe that if you work hard, you will be rewarded. If you don't wish to work hard, don't go telling people not to. We do not tell you what to do, so you have no rights to tell us to stop. We are happy and feel satisfied when we accomplish something great even if we use up half our lives doing it, and if you don't, please walk away and leave us alone.

I had a chat with a friend, an adult friend. I told him that I am gonna work hard all the way till I get a Masters degree. He said, what for? What is the point of studying so hard and wasting your life. Certificates bring you no where. You won't get a big job like how you were promised. He made a good point. All this while, we are studying and doing things because we are told do so. By our parents, by the government, by the school. So all this while, we are just animals being trained to serve the country. From day 1, we are already given a path: Kindergarten -> Primary School -> Secondary School -> JC -> Degree w/ honours -> Masters -> Government job.

See thats where I am different. I chose to break from the path and go to poly. So that is why I am stupid and low classed. The stigma.

I study hard and work towards a Masters degree not because I just wanna go with the flow or get a big job. But plainly because I want to. That is it. Call me a fanatic or a bloody fool I do not care. Because that is what I feel life is about. Not to make my parents proud, not to earn big but to make myself happy.

stares at Badron in one way

2008-03-30T12:12:00.002+08:00

When the master barks, the dog claps. When the master bleeds, the dog licks its wound. Where the master go the dog follows directly behind. When the master falls, the dog carries the master on its shoulder.

Some people can't help but be slaves for others. When I say others, capitalists are included. A slave to the people, a slave to merchandise. It's a pity to see how pathetic their lives can get.

No.

2008-03-29T09:42:00.004+08:00

I had a dream last night. I was supposed to meet charmaine at jurong. I decided to take a cab. I went downstairs to the place where I usually stand to get a cab but just then this girl also went to the same spot. So I stood behind her. But I was late so I went to her and I asked, "Excuse me miss, where are you going?", she didn't reply me but just stared at me with a neutral face. "because, I'm going to Jurong east mrt station and I it would be great if we share a cab. But where are you going? Are you going the same way?" She just remained quiet. The first thing that came to my mind was that she was arrogant but I am not the kind who will be hurt by this behaviour. "Haha, this will really save a lot of money." This time she smiled. A sweet smile.

She was a quiet and sweet girl with a twinkle in her eyes. Very fair skin, nice brown silky hair. She has the look of a vintage model. She just sat there, but I could sense that she was very shy. She never told me where she was heading to but she told me her name. I didn't ask. She just went to me and said her name and I told her my name. I have forgotten what her name was. She was subtle in every movement. Careful. Too careful in fact. But it wasn't scary. I respected her.

At Jurong, I didn't see Charmaine.

It is time I helped myself

2008-03-25T20:57:00.006+08:00

It is time I helped myself. Is this depression or is this just another fit of anger?

Charmaine and I had issues. That day we talked. Talked about how this could be better. How love could be less hurting. I couldn't understand. I just couldn't. I was sick. I couldn't love. My heart was a piece of rock, unfeeling. We were just talking. It was the blame game the whole train ride through. I felt sad because there was nothing I could do. I just didn't care. It was like "Mm..I love you. Yeap." I wasn't being sarcastic. I really did. Just that there were no sparkles nor pretty flowers. I was just a robot the whole way through. Everything she said went to my ear and gets stuck into my head where everything churned. Like a grinder. Jiggijug, Jiggijug.

At Bukit Batok, down the escalator, I realised how heartbroken I was by her accusations and I told her..."My sickness has kicked in. Don't treat my words seriously". I could sense tears in her eyes. But my face was a stone wall. She held my hand. I felt her warmth. But my sickness didn't let me feel it for long. I was sick.

I sent her to the lift. She hugged me. I didn't hug back. I wanted to but my other self couldn't. "Charmaine, I love you very much". I moved backwards away from her, "I really do." I saw her sad eyes. "But, my other self just can't." With that, I turned and walked away with my back facing her.

What did I just did. Badron, you are sick. No Badron. Why. Why did you do that. Argh. My head. I need a doctor. Shit. I need a doctor bad bad bad bad badly. Fuck. No. Shit. Argh. My head.

I collapsed to the ground.

Fuck. I must keep walking. Who is that behind. Oh no its her. No no no nononononono. She can't see me like this. Badron you're a beast. Fuck! Argh! My head. Fucking hate this. Haha. This rocks. HahahahaHAHAHAHA! Man...I need to just smash my head on that pillar. Or should I punch it? No. My hand will hurt. But. This feeling inside! I need to let it OUT! NOW! Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. She is following me. How how how how how. Argh my head. Pa...

She is coming close. I can hear her footsteps.

"Badron.."

Ah, her voice. Her sweet voice. "Go home Charmaine, go home...Haha go home..."

She stopped and watched me leave. I thought she would have watched me go all the way. But she turned behind and left me. It was a strange feeling. It was beyond sadness. Watching your love one watching you suffer is worse than the pain itself. I continued walking till I reached the bridge linking bukit batok and toh guan where I took the bus 176 to jurong east.

The bus door opened and I ran into his arms.

"Pa..."

booyah your ass

2008-03-18T16:40:00.003+08:00

I hate hiphop. I feel it is the lamest shit the world can ever create. Call me bias but hiphop is always about sex, partying, money, arrogance, egos, violence, girls or has no meaning at all. I hate hiphop so much that I can throw up listening to it. Not only is it monotonous but the whole over glamorization of things is just nauseating.

Coloured by Numbers

2008-03-17T21:42:00.002+08:00

Time shows us that all that ever mattered
all that ever mattered leaves us in the cold
If you ever believe this is what you need
it will spin around and shatter
throw you to the floor
as it leaves us in the cold

15 March 2008

2008-03-16T12:12:00.006+08:00

Last night I broke down. Never was I like that ever. I guess that was the result of bottling up for 18 years. Trauma. Didn't know that I absorbed to much. Mom's fault. My fault? But I was still small. I guess today is the day which I got stronger. That was why I could tell her off and opened myself up. I was hiding a lot of thing from myself. In that state of mental blockage, all you can do is watch. Watch yourself prancing on the floor lying a dying worm. Writhing around, scratching the floor and pulling your hair. Encore! Punching the walls, bruise your knuckles! Stop! Freeze! Argh! SPASMS! Then you start to laugh and cry. "Hahaha! Why...why is ibu always hitting me, why! Hahaha!" I could feel her punch but she wasn't there. Phantom power! She was around me, prancing around like a hunter and I'm the dead wildebeest with the large dead eyes. But with a smile. Don't hit me ibu..

She grabbed me down and sat on me. Starting telling me about herself, about her condition! I KNOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME! ITS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! WHAT ABOUT ME! NOW IT IS ABOUT ME! AND WHAT DID YOU DO! TELL ME ABOUT YOU! WHERES MY COMFORT!

I need comfort paa....I need my comfort...

Ibu left the house...

Then I forgot what happened. But then..

I grab my dad, pa, ibu is coming! SHES COMING! Help me pa, help me...im begging you, protect me from her! Stop! Freeze! Argh! SPASMS! ARgh! damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitmdanmdadand. Whatswrongwifmewhatswrongwifmeawiasfasfnwhaidsa. Stood up. Starts to pace about. Punches the wall. "I HATE THIS! ALL THIS YEARS! SHE HAS BEEN CONTROLLING ME! LIKE, LIKE, LIKE THIS!" I lifted my hand out and stared at my fist. "LIKE A GOD!" I punched the wall again.

Then I fell to the ground having my spasms again. Muscle tense up, eyes tightly closed, you don't feel any pain. It is not a physical pain but it is all in the head. When your muscle tense up it is not because you are feeling hurt physically but it just decide to tense. Own will. Own time. Own target.

I rolled on the floor, scratching the surface "Arghh...paaaaa...I hate it...I hate it paaaa...I wanna get out of this shithole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARAGHHHHHHalfdhalfaaf!" Then i cried somemore.

Badron, come, take medicine. Drink water, think of God. Read Ayat Kursi..

"I can't paaa...Read for me please..."

He began to read. And I listened. I listened. It was beautiful.

"Satan, I hate you...why can't you just repent and pray to God. Why must you go around corrupting people. It's sad..."

I took the medicine. 2 tablets. 1000mg. Ativan.

5 minutes, I felt better. I lay there still in that blocked state. But at least I have stopped my violent antics. I just laid there, body laid straight out. Hands on my chest. My eyes are closed. Then I started to whisper out all my problems. Dad was there but I felt non-existent. I just wanted to lie down.

and float away......
I hope this how death is like....
so...
beautiful....

All I wanna say is

2008-03-09T13:57:00.001+08:00

THAT JAMMING SESSION WAS AWESOME!!!

CHIODOS!!!! WAAAAAAH!!!

2008-03-07T20:27:00.001+08:00

I'm a student from a middle income home, i still need my middle income group subsidary; not merely a couple of hundred i could easily earn from working and saving.

read;
http://theonlinecitizen.com/2008/02/26/the-pap-governmentâs-âbitter-medicineâ-prescription-gone-awry/

I'm singaporean, i should not be living in a well.

read this first when it has happened;

http://singaporeelection.blogspot.com/2007/01/tochi-please-dont-allow-these-people-to.html

and the post that sparked off e debate;

http://theonlinecitizen.com/2007/01/27/complicity-in-the-senseless-murder-of-a-young-boy/

Let your thoughts flow.

Rainbow Ponies Ultimate Mayhem :D

2008-03-06T18:12:00.002+08:00

Food For Thought

2008-03-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

The Basis of Muslim Belief

By Gary Miller

And excerpt from his book.

Follower of Jesus

Suppose that someone observed Jesus two-thousand years ago, and he left this planet, or he went to sleep for two-thousand years an returned today to look for the followers of Jesus, who would he find? Who would he recognize? Christians? I conclude with just this food for thought: the Bible says very clearly that Jesus used to fast. Do Christians fast? Muslims fast; it is obligatory on month every year. The Bible says that Jesus prayed by touching his forehead to the ground. Do Christians pray in this manner? Muslims do. It is characteristic of their prayer and no one on earth is probably ignorant of that fact.

According to Jesus, he told his disciples to greet one another with the expression, "Peace be with you." Do the Christians do that? Muslims do, universally, whether they speak Arabic of not. The greeting for one to another is Assalamu' alaikum (peace be with you).

The brother of Jesus in the Book of James, stated that no man should suggest what he is about to do of highlight his plans for the next few days in anyway without adding the phrase "if God wills." Do not say "I will go here and there do this and that" without adding the phrase "if God wills." Do Christians do that? Muslims do, whether they speak Arabic or not. If they so much as suggest they are going downtown to pick up some groceries, they will add Insha-Allah, which in Arabic means, "If God wills."

These conclude my thoughts on this subject. May Allah guide us always closer to the truth.

Artist kena hit by dog

2008-02-29T23:16:00.003+08:00

My guitar break through! Omg. I can't sleep! I managed to play the solo for Artist In The Ambulance by Thrice. Omg. The feeling damn shiok. I can't sleep tonight. Heh

Logbook

2008-02-29T19:01:00.004+08:00

4:30pm - I felt my depression seeping in.

::I need to get out. But to where? What for? When? With whom? Charmaine? No. Cant. She will fuck with me. Always in a bad mood. I need to get out!::

7pm - Things aren't getting better.

::Charmaine just fucked with me on the phone. Told her tomorrow I will meet her. Fuck it. If I meet her tomorrow things won't get any better. I think I will go out later. Where to? I dnt know. How? What? Where? I've got my work. I've got my chores. Fuck them. Im going out. ::

I need a doctor fast! fast! fast! fast!

Drill, drill, bang, bang, boom

2008-02-29T16:35:00.003+08:00

I feel like keeping a log book of when I get my depression. Date, time, possible reason.

I told dad about getting me a psychologist. Why? Because i'm psychotic! Muahaha!

Let the healing begin!

2008-02-29T15:08:00.002+08:00

I had to delete that post. I can't do this.

Chanel

2008-02-27T16:48:00.003+08:00

The Gucci Pour Homme or the Gucci Pour Homme II. All the reviews attacked the II and praised the one before. I guess Ill smell it again. It was way too spicy for me tho maybe Ill changed my mind. Besides, I have a 40% discount.

Flight

2008-02-27T15:54:00.003+08:00

You know sometimes when you smell something or see something or hear something, you mind is triggered to remember a memory which is associated to that smell, sight or sound? And then you experience this surreal feeling of being at that exact place, exact time when it happened and why?

I would say the most obvious memory trigger for me is music. The most significant piece of music would be By The Way by Red Hot Chilli Peppers. When I listen to that song, I would be transported to the airplane seat of a Thai Airways airline, and I am on my way to Chiang Mai. That song never failed me.

Just 5 minutes ago, my collegues played a song by Panic! At the Disco. It was a familiar track. But just as soon as I remembered its title, I was already flying half way to Indonesia.

Bioshock

2008-02-27T11:23:00.007+08:00

Ive started playing Bioshock lately. I know this is a put off but keep reading. This game is one of the most intense game I have ever played so far. But the concept of it all is what makes it so special. The era is around the 1960s and you just survived a plane crash in the Atlantic Ocean. You then entered this underwater city called Raptured. Damn, you should have been there. The visuals are just fantastic. Imagine 1960 New York City, underwater with the neon lights and vintage designs. I just love the classics. Their idea of being futuristic is so cool. I bet if you were to take someone from the past to see how the world is like now, they would be disappointed. There is always a tint of class and style in everything you see. But the ambience of the set during the submarine journey is just amazing. Imagine a blue whale swimming in between buildings. Man...You really should have been there. I don't mind restarting the game to see it all again.

Then came the disturbing truth about this place. I have just started playing so I am not very clear about the storyline. Don't worry. There is no risk of me spoiling the storyline. Basically, this is the era of genetic engineering. Someone, a doctor I think, have managed to find a method to modify the human gene so that you can have super powers like, telekinesis, shoot out fire or mind manipulation. You can change you powers anytime by buying them from vending machines. Seriously, they are easily accessible. Its like a snack. Crazy.

What is disturbing is that this is also the era of plastic surgery and due to greed and vanity everyone became obsessed with plastic surgery. The thing is, the doctors have gone mad themselves and can't seem to achieve the beauty they want. So they end up twisting the patient's faces into monstrous beings, accidentally. They just can't do it anymore. So around corners you will face with twisted nurses and women in cat masks or psychotic surgeons, in between music cues of circus music and broadway. The 1960s for you.

What makes them volatile is because they desire for one thing: ADAM. ADAM is a mutagen which is a chemical which is crucial in genetic mutation. The more ADAM you have, the more genetic powers you can have. The "Perfect Being" you might say.

Here comes the controversial part. How do you harvest this ADAM? It can be harvested in many ways but the most prominent way is by harvesting it from the "Little Sisters" which are actually small girls. Remember Monster's Inc.? Yeah, small girls. Something was done to them and now they have this ADAM inside them. They store them. How these girls get them is by going to corpses and extracting the ADAM from them. The small girls practically yank a large needle into the corpse and suck the ADAM from them into a huge syringe. Sick huh.

But will you kill a small girl just to extract the ADAM from her? She is nothing but a small girl. A small innocent small girl. This is where the morality part comes in. You have 2 choices. To save her, or to harvest. When you harvest, you kill her and you take all the ADAM from her. When you choose to save her, you just extract a small portion of ADAM but she will live. Early in the game, you were told by someone not to kill them as you will be rewarded if you don't. What you will get as a reward, I do not know yet. So far I have only harvested one. It was tough because for you to get to a Little Sister, you have to get pass her bodyguard which is this being in a underwater suit who is like super strong and when it rams you, it will send you flying. It is one of the most frightening game i have played so far besides for FEAR but that is a different league. This one really intensifies things with the sick circus feel and the gloominess.

While playing, I remembered Sybil with the enema, I remembered the Huskies getting skinned alive. And now this.

Rapture. The perfect Dystopian city. Such irony.

Finger to the cheek

2008-02-26T09:01:00.003+08:00

This morning I was doing some checking in my pc and I just felt like looking at our photos. The ones at Holland V really made me laugh. Memories, memories. The beginning of it all. The future it promises. Sigh. She is really pretty to me.

Prettier than Sheril?

So I took her photo and I took out Sheril's photo and placed them side by side. Theres something about Sheril but it only reaches the stomach. But for Char, its up to my neck. Attraction. Its amazing how it works. I guess Sheril lacks something that Char has. Ok fine. A lot, of that 'something'. kwang kwang kwang.

Ibu

2008-02-24T12:13:00.007+08:00

Mom cried last night due to Dad's anger towards me. I did nothing wrong so I didn't feel burdened but somehow I felt that he would beat me up when he reached home. Mom kept on crying. She called him a few times leading to her crying even more. I consoled her, hugged her. Then I went to shower. When I came out, it got worst. Her sobbing didnt stop. She began to wail, then she began scream. I stood there, unmoved. 18 years. I went to take her meds and sat beside her. 13 years. She kept sobbing. I sighed and placed the meds on the desk beside me. And I sat there silently watching her.

I just watched her. The way she is stretching and squirming like a fish pulled out of water was just hypnotising. I just watched her. I could feel her scream travelling from her vocal chords into the air and piercing into my ear drums, into my brain. There, the scream just swivels around in my head like a slow motion hurricane of wisps and magic. I thought of Sybil. How we were so alike. How we had to endure the torment of living through this, year in year out for our entire lives. How when she gets better we forgot about the traumatic moments like this and easily forgive her. How we can get self-denial at times. All the time in fact.

I just stared at her. Then fear crept in. I remembered that I was alone with her. I remembered that it was late at night. I forgot that she could do anything to me. I blacked out. Demon! Demon! Terror, terrified, anxiety! I was a child. A child of age 9. I went to the sofa and sat there. I stared into space just like how I used to. Help. I needed help. I wanted to leave. I wanted to walk out from this life and just run away. Im sick of being taken for granted. Everybody thinks everything is ok. Everybody thinks that I will get over it. The truth is that I don't. Dad looks at it in a mental and spiritual kind of way. I look at her in my kind of way. As much as she needs help. I do too.

Dad came home from work but I was already asleep. He did not beat me up. He never did.

Holland V

2008-02-23T01:27:00.002+08:00

Today was different. He went down to meet her at starbucks. Isabel waited for him with Charmaine's stuffy nose. He was different today. Blame the rain, blame her flu, blame his air of sophistication. Romance. The beauty of romance.

It had only been a few days. Not even a week. 5 days. The longing for one another kept enraging every night. The burning of passion, the warmth of touch. The coldness of distant calls.

The look, the touch, the kiss. Just like the first time.

Streetlights

2008-02-21T22:01:00.002+08:00

The orange glow of the streetlights are leading the way as I walked back from work. Moving Units is being played in my iPod. Desire! Feelings! 'Available' was the title of the track. My favourite song so far. I walked down the path behind the factory feeling like a new man. But I am burdened. Burdened with what I was exposed to today. Burdened by the desire to just let everything go.

I am a crossroads. I looked to the left, I looked to the right.

On the left is a circus. An abandoned one. Litter filled the dry soil and shrinking balloons blended the Big Top with the sky. There's no one, nothing, nothing to prove existence. Except for a particular hut. The hut is filled with laughter. Screams. Screams of joy! Oh! The pain! Oh the pleasure! Glass clanking and music is heard. Come on in boy, they said. Come on in. Take your pick. Which girl do you want. Come on. They want to do you. They all do. I have to go home I said and I have a wife. They smiled. They will be safe at home, they said. Come with us. You can go home later. Dont wait till late to get in boy, you will get cold and blue out there. You don't have to do anything. Just come in, they said, with a smile.

I went in but I didnt do anything. I just sat there and smiled. I have to go I said, maybe ill come tomorrow. I walked back to the crossroads. The dry soil at my feet turned to gold at every step. The music is everywhere. The pleasure of witnessing the acts are still trapped in my mind. Its nothing. It seems natural, human nature. I might want to do it too. Whats the harm?

So Im back at the crossroads. I wonder whats at the other side. The other path is blocked by a mountain. On top of the mountain is a glowing star. Beauty. Purity. I smiled. But how do I get to the top? Then I saw it. Looming in front of me was a giant cave. Total blackness. I guess thats the only way up. How about my family? How about my wife and children? Ill hold their hand and lead them up the mountain. There, we shall live forever. But what about the circus. I have to choose. Both promises happiness. Both. If I thread up the mountain, the pain will be all worthed it. But the circus seems better. I would be so involved with desires to the point that I am not worried about anything.

I stood there silent. The road stared at me and the trees began to sway. The clouds huddled together as though they're feeling the cold too. Then it began to drizzle. I just kept staring at my shoes. Ponies. Rainbow Ponies. Then I smiled.

I turned around and went back to where I came from. I have a wife and family to take care of.

Alter egos

2008-02-21T01:33:00.005+08:00

Maturity you might say. But I would prefer to describe as just me wanting to change. I have changed. For the better I might say. Its just a matter of setting your priorities and knowing how to manage your time well. Im not sure of how much ive changed but I know the differences.

I have been reading the book Sybil. Charmaine passed the book to me. Its in quite a bad state now as I have been bringing it around to read. Sorry dear but I its really hard to keep a paperback in good condition. The book is about a woman who has 16 personalities. Its not alter-egos anymore. Its not a matter of choice anymore.

After going through internship, mixing around with people, I began to realise my alter-egoes. They have names too but it revolves around my original name, Badron.

The original Badron is a thinker, a heavy one, an obsessive one. It makes him high like a being in a daydream. The perfect daydream. He prefers to be alone as it allows him to make free decisions. In a group, he prefers to just stop and listen. He doesn't feel lonely. He feels warm watching people but sometimes people mistook his silence as arrogance. Funny how people cannot help it but judge a person by how he looks. The deceiving face once again brings the owner down.

Then there is Badron (pronounced as Baa-dron). This is the glamour guy. He dresses up in Prada and Armani and he uses Chanel parfum. He walks with a stylish strut with a sense of dignity. He has confidence and he can get whatever he wants. He is the perfect metro-sexual. His favourite attire involves leather, snakeskin and sunglasses. His fashion is more into the vintage age. Nikon camera sling bag, a polaroid in hand and a taxi cap.

Then there is Bad Ron. This is the party guy. He goes to nightclubs and he drinks Vodka, Tequila, Martini's, you name it. He is the absolute charmer. He is comfortable being himself and everyone is comfortable with him. But he isnt happy. He isnt happy at all.

Lastly there is the guy named, Dron. This one was left behind very long ago. He is the introverted, rejected freak from his secondary school days. I hate him and do not want to see him again. He is left dying somewhere. I hope he dies happy.

Just like Sybil, they are all inter-twined and connected. They all one person but many sides to him. Him? Whose 'him'?

So which one do you love?

Guilt

2008-02-19T10:15:00.003+08:00

2 sides to every story, 2 sides to every tale.
2 sides to every cloud, 2 ends of every rainbow.

What have I done

2008

2008-02-14T23:25:00.003+08:00

Update for 2008:

-I got a new pair of CK underwear.
-I gained weight.
-Im back to the Gucci, Prada, classy me.
-I desire for a pair of red Gucci Snakeskin belt
-I desire for a vintage box sling leather carrier bag
-I wanna start school badly

-my split personality switches more often
-Im getting more serious
-Im more independent
-Im getting detached from home but I am more attached to my family
-Work is making me appreciate home more
-1 hour of time per day for the family means so much to me
-I learnt that there is no such thing as a job which has life. As long as you have to work more than 7 hours per day. That sucks big time. Life is about family.
-I learnt that money is important
-For once I got afraid that I never prayed.

Rain

2008-02-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

We are just thinking and feeling people living in this brainless and insensitive world

Next!

2008-02-07T20:50:00.000+08:00

2000- I need someone
2001- It was just you and me
2004- It was just you and me
2006- It was just you and me
2007- It was just you and me
2008- It was just you and me

Everyone else is pissed with me. Fuck the world.

Shame

2008-02-06T00:11:00.000+08:00

I thought I had issues.
I thought I was evil.
I guess I am not the only one.

Memories

2008-01-30T23:01:00.000+08:00

I was cleaning my room when I found a sheet of paper.
On it was a poem I wrote a while back...

Sometimes
I feel like
I am the root of all
Evil

With my blood, I
tainted the world

But it isn't my
fault
The world stupidly drank it

My mind
was never
organised

It was
just a bunch of
gibberish

I wonder what was in my mind then...

Dad

2008-01-22T23:53:00.000+08:00

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight...

This is it, can you hear me!

Mom sick, sleeping the whole day. Dad working, go home sleep. House is so dead. I live alone and I get scolded for being outside. Accompany mom he said. But she is sleeping!

Dear Interceptor, In this Season of Skeptics and True Believers, Everything we had are Checkmarks but You Might Have Noticed that we are Almost Here, so Slow Down as I'm Sleeping with Giants.

- The Academy Is...

POOM!

2008-01-18T01:05:00.000+08:00

MY MOMS OK! MY GIRLFRIEND MISSES ME! I FINISHED MY ASSIGNMENT!! ITS TIME TO PARTY!!!!

*poof*

2 more assignments to go

-___________________________-

Reasons why the devil chose my family to haunt

2008-01-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

For more than 18 years, my dad and I thought it was just her sickness. My mom is suffering from depression. My dad has brought her to see many doctors. The medicine worked but only for a while. There were side-effects for every medicine she took and they were lousy. Practically ruining her life. But then again without them she would be worst.

As a child, I had to go through a lot. My mom's sudden rage and anger, her sudden tears of unhappiness and fear. Well, I lived in trauma. I could still remember what she told me when I was primary 5: "When you sleep, I will stab your heart with a knife!" I know that she did not mean what she said. She was sick. Well, I was young and I was very affected.

Now she takes medicine but how about all those years when she was young? Well, her parents brought her to see medicine doctors and bomohs, to her displeasure because she knows that medicine doctors do rituals that go against God by giving power to other beings: jinns and the devil. Obviously they do not work but what if I tell you that maybe those jinns involved in the 'healing' ritual take the advantage to possess her as they know that she is weak physically and also weak in the iman (belief in God).

Fast forward to 2007...

My dad and I have always been curious about our religion. We read books and did research on other religions and we found out that yes, Islam is the most sensible religion to follow. The basics of Islam is that there is only one divine power and that is God and His power is not shared among idols, objects or person. He controls everything and only He do we pray to.

The thing is, Islam is spread into a number of factions just like the Christians and the Catholics. So, my dad and I went reading on and we found out that the rituals that we have been doing isn't quite right and it clashes with the prophet's teachings. In the Al-Quran, we are told not to carry out bid'ah. Bid'ah is basically actions which the prophets do not teach. But the thing is, many Muslims, take this for granted. For example, in the mosque, many muslims have a habit of asking God for blessings after the normal praying ritual. This is wrong. Our prophet, Prophet Muhammad, states in his hadith that in the prayer itself, there are parts where you should ask for your blessings. For example parts like when you sujud and after reading your tahiyat. But when questioned, these muslims will say that, "its good why not do it". But then again, a lot of things other religions do which is good. For example, Hindus carry out the carrying the Kavadi procession. It is a good practise as it reminds you of God as inflicting pain makes you feel pathetic and in the mercy of Him but the prophet does not teach it, and so we do not do it.

This 'extremism' isn't very acceptable by many. But as a Muslim, I say that there is no such thing as a moderate Muslim. Its either you are a muslim or you are not. Black or White. Heaven or Hell. But I got to admit that its hard being a Muslim. But most importantly, I am trying.

2007.

While my dad and I getting more religious, my mom got worst and worst. Just last month, she exploded into this state of monstrosity that I have not seen in my entire life. For the first time after 10 years of getting used to her, I was afraid.

That day, I started to belief in ghosts. She was shaking about and she was screaming. Not a human scream but one of a demon. I swear in the name of God. I am not lying. If only I could video record the scene. But I was just frozen stiff.

I was alone with her.

When she entered my room and started crying on the floor, I grabbed her and started reciting surahs from the Al-Quran. She quietened down as I read surah Al-Fatihah the fifth time. I put her to bed and she fell asleep

Day 3

In day 2, she slept most of the day. In day 3, something happened which I have forgotten. She got provoked and she started screaming and trembling. Then she started walking around aimlessly and crying non stop. Her hands were shaking and she was in a state of distress. When she got worst my dad started reciting the surahs. It got worst and worst. Then my dad hugged her and comforted while reading it loudly and clearly to her. She started wailing and screaming. It was very scary. It was like, every syllable that my dad spoke burnt the flesh out of her. I could see fire in her eyes. She was struggling and struggling.

After 1 hour of struggling, she relaxed and my dad stopped reading. Bad mistake.

She stood up and hugged the wall. Then she turned towards us and stared. Then the confrontation began. She started talking to us, accusing us of doing things. She talked in this very frightening manner. Like she would strike anytime.

Then I felt it.

I felt the devil whispering into my ear. I felt evil. Then my mom stared at me. Eye to eye.

I smiled and I laughed. It was crazy...... poor dad.

Day X (From that day onwards)

Things just started getting worst and worst. My room was in a mess, I do not feel focused. I never swept the floor and my clothes are littered everywhere but I do not seem to care. I just cared about my work and my girlfriend. Then one night I felt it. It was 2am and I was trying to sleep as usual. But something was bothering me. Then I felt something in my room. It was a being. It was standing near my table and at times it would pass my bed. It was very frightening. My head filled with thoughts of ghost and Chucky's face appeared a couple of times. I could not take it so I left my room and I sat at the living room.

The next day I cleaned up my room and everything went well.

Everything was alright after that...

Last week mom even prayed together with us. It was a very special moment for me. At night when she cannot sleep, she even read the Quran. I was very happy with the state our family is in.

Until yesterday.

Nothing like yesterday have happened before. Never. Never in my entire life have I seen what my mom did. It was much worst than whatever I had faced. Even the exorcism was not as bad as what I saw.

Last night our family were having dinner. My dad cooked but I ate KFC as usual. I sat at the living room whereas my parents sat at the dining table. We weren't very far apart. Then I heard my mom said something. So I said, wait ah. Then she said it again. But this time, I heard my dad say, "who are you talking to". God. Help her.

I went to the dining table to see her stoned but still eating. She was fined except that she looked like she was some place else. I looked at dad and then back at her. Then I said softly, "Are you alright". She replied. "I only have 6 months! 6 months left to live!". Then she ate again. I was stunned.

Usually, when she is sick, or when she is talking to herself, she would know that she is talking. She would know that she said something and something wrong. She would be aware about her sickness. But this time, she said it like she meant it. She was really in her own world. She was in a trance. She could be talking to somebody else.

She was.

When will this end.

Now here I am. Typing this entry. I hope somebody out there can feel for us. It is hard being a good Muslim. Rejection from the community. Rejection from yourself and now my family is having a war with satan himself.

God i'm begging you to give us the strength to pull this through. Ameen.

Caring

2008-01-15T22:23:00.000+08:00

Guys, its time to comfort your girls...

Across The Universe

2008-01-12T03:16:00.000+08:00

Without drugs The Beatles will be a run of the mill band. With drugs they're the best band ever. Overwhelming evidence that drugs are amazing. KIDS DO DRUGS

2008-01-10T22:33:00.001+08:00

shit

Dear Charmaine,

2008-01-07T21:56:00.001+08:00

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you...

Happy Birthday

2007-12-31T13:04:00.000+08:00

Charmaine got a birthday surprise today at work. Her colleagues surprised her with a birthday cake. No present but there was a cake.

I cant help but feel envious.

I never had a birthday surprise like this. Even when I was small. Never. So please dear, cherish it.

I don't know how many of you out there who is like me but I feel for you. Its alright, its just hard for people to show us love. Don't blame anyone. Especially don't blame yourself.

Sometimes I like to watch this video and imagine that it was done for me. Its very warming.

EmilyIsDead

2007-12-28T23:24:00.000+08:00

Red heart bleeding!
To the sound of the cars and trucks
racing down your veins!
Nothing matters when you're dying!
or soul when you're alive!
when theres no love, no story to tell
this never ending story of sorrow

Breaking free from the cages,
glances of fear down your spine.
Letting go of something so
priceless it seems
to the eyes of the crows they find
all these glittering pieces of your soul
ravaging through your heart

Burning beneath the bulbs!
Littered with flames leaving the ashes
to waste to the ground
nothing matters when you're dying
or wasted like when you're alive!
when theres no love, no story to tell
this never ending story of sorrow

Breaking free from the cages,
glances of fear down your spine.
Letting go of something so
priceless it seems
to the eyes of the crows they find
all these glittering pieces of your soul
ravaging through your heart

-Badron

Boom shaka boom

2007-12-27T20:01:00.001+08:00

money, money, moNEY, MONEY!! :))

Neutral Milk Hotel

2007-12-23T18:27:00.001+08:00

The sky was grey and I was walking home alone. Rain drizzling down, trickling down my face; reminiscent of that scene in Sin City. The scene where the man shoots the girl in the chest.

I just gave char's maid the package (flowers and a painting a made). I do feel happy and stuff. But Im not entirely happy. I know this kind of gifts will not be lasting. Just like that bag I bought for her. Happiness cant last forever. For that moment you get it you feel at the top of the world but the next day u treat it like its part of you. Its natural. Its in everyone.

I just want to see you. Feel you. Feel your presence. Right now I can only imagine. Imagine you in your dress looking all classy. Your wavy hair, your deep eyes and your heels. Beauty at its best. I want to hold your hand as you enter the room. I want the world to know that I'm yours and you're mine.

Were supposed to perform at the prom tonight. But I was so bastardised. I can't believe I fell for it. I should have been thick skinned and proved to you! Not prove to you that were a better band. BUT PROVED TO YOU THAT I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS! motherfucker. *closes eyes*

"This was my dream. You shattered my dream."

The only girl I've ever loved
Was born with roses in her eyes
But then they buried her alive
One evening 1945.....

Daemon

2007-12-22T20:36:00.000+08:00

Presenting to you my desk! This is wear I work, play and cry.
This is where heroes are born!
This is where demons have fallen!
This is where friendships are made!

Render-farm
Alienware
ass-kicking
piece of monstrous beast of a computer! woo~~

kla sorry la im excited

2007-12-22T00:10:00.001+08:00

I have been initiating all this. I better stop. Im feeling bad

Scene

2007-12-20T18:17:00.001+08:00

It just makes my emotions run wild. Then, when I listen to norma jean, it puts me in the hardcore mood.

Meowzy!

2007-12-13T18:38:00.001+08:00

Here I am, sitting here in front of my com. Guitar in my arms. Looking for a nice piece to play. I opened up iTunes and played The Used. "It's hard to say".

Then it hit me.

I was teleported to the past. Exactly one year ago.

Feeling: X] Woozy

Ouch! My guitar shocked me!

Sleep

2007-12-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

2 nights ago I slept-walked.

I remembered sleeping in my bed but when I woke up, I was in my parents bed, beside my dad.
My mom was in my room, on my bed.

Mom told me that at 4am I stood up with my eyes opened and I started looking for something in my room. My mom came and asked what was I looking for. I mumbled something and I walked into my parents room and slept on the bed.

I guess I always really stressed at that time. My peak of anxiety in fact. Its been a while that I am stressed to that extend.

Luckily I didnt sleepwalk out the window or something. Cos, it has happened to some people.

Dreams

2007-12-09T13:27:00.001+08:00

Last night I dreamt that I peed out blood. A lot of it. I also dreamt that I was being chased by this powerful demon. I ran and ran but I made it to the portal. Then I woke up.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it.

Im really fucked

2007-12-06T23:36:00.001+08:00

You know what guys...im tired of all this shit.

My head cant take anymore of this. Its too bothered with other things. In fact, it cant feel anything actually. It just feel so heavy. So tired. So numb. Its like someone just tipped concrete into my ear and it hardened in the hollows of my skull and my ears are taped. My whole head is tapped with like masking tape. Gaffer tape actually.

Im sure all of you are feeling the same. So thats why im hanging on. We have to push on together.

Someone told me that I have eveything so I must be happy. Compared to you, I might have received more but truthfully, u and I, we are the same.

Welcome to this fucked up life.

Should I?

2007-12-04T21:50:00.000+08:00

Pictures speak louder than words

2007-12-01T20:09:00.000+08:00

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."

2007-11-27T19:50:00.000+08:00

My stardust...

2007-11-24T14:03:00.000+08:00

Everybody is changing. You changed in one year, you changed in one month and you, changed yesterday.

Ive changed.

I began to understand why he did what he did. I began to understand what my mom told me.

People change.

I learnt a lot of things in poly. Edward teaching me the art of chilling out. Ryan teaching me that friends matters and Wei Hong teaching me that Emily exists.

I learnt a lot of other things too. Like, if u go jc u have to be fucked up. If you go to uni u have to behave like a bitch and go around saying: "You have no idea!"and that if u have a job, ure the ultimate being on earth.

People change.

Ive changed. I learnt to be independant. I learn to plan out my day. I learn to use stress to an advantage. I learnt to appreciate home. I learnt not to take people seriously. I learn to take SOME people seriously with respect. I learnt that inner beauty exists. I learnt that people backstab but just forgive that because they are just like that. I learn that depression kills. I learnt that the best way to handle suicide is to just lie down. I learnt that love exists.

and I learnt that there is no such thing as earning respect. If that guy is an asshole, to hope for respect from him. Because, how come u can get respect from so many others without even trying? Because these are good people who dont care about how great they are.

Its weird that when u get close to someone, after a while he/she starts behaving like a bitch to you. But then again, its only those people.

Its starting up again

2007-11-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

Switched bottles, the jack-ass, the jack-rabbit...

and the shotgun.

I just cannot be bothered to have a reaction to this. Dead silence. You dead, me silent.

run run run

2007-11-20T20:16:00.001+08:00

I am printing my gems assignment right now. wah. printer blardy slow. Oops. I just saw my baby come online. ok relax...must settle my work first.

wah, im late by 15 mins in my schedule. Supposed to finish my gems assignment at 8. I must start on other things first.

ok heres the plan...

eat, for 20 minutes...

settle the VPT script in 1/2 hour for Emmanuel.

1 hour, settle Shot list.

-rest-

then its...

MAYA MAYA MAYA MAYA...

must complete the wings and rigging by eleven...

ok awesome...ok i shall go makan now! Ready set go!

trah-lah-la-ha-ha

2007-11-19T20:27:00.000+08:00

put eeyn a nyddle intu me flaeysh upsyde dwn

2007-11-18T12:19:00.000+08:00

I hate it when people say,

"You don't know me". Even though you have known that person for quite some time. When you said this, it meant many things...

"You don't know me so please don't try to help me"

"You don't know me and I'm ashamed that you still don't"

"You don't know me so whatever"

"You don't know me stop acting like you do"

"You don't know me so you are just like everyone else"

BUT DO YOU WANNA KNOW THE BOTTOMLINE?

when you said...."You don't know me.." it showed that YOU didn't know ME EITHER!

Because if you were to know who I REALLY am, I am the kind who dissects your ever word, your every gesture, your every mood. And I'm implying to you, you, you, you and YOU.

I live my life to create harmony with everyone I know. So thats the biggest insult I can ever get from you.

2007-11-16T11:56:00.000+08:00

How could I ever have that thought. Its interesting that I had it. It doesn't makes sense. The feeling I had inside and that thought in my head just doesn't match. Its scary because what if i made that move. What if I did it. It could have just been a slipped of the tongue.

Then I wouldn't be sitting here so calmly.

I must hide my eyes...

Lucasfilm

2007-11-15T20:28:00.000+08:00

Im going for it.

2007-11-13T19:13:00.000+08:00

Red eyes, swollen blue.

Time

2007-11-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

Work. Thats what life has been about. Its a religion. You commit to it. You have to. Because if you dont, you will suffer.

I have forgotten the meaning of fun. Playing games are just mere lapses of boredom. Is this what you call growing up?

I think ill take out my paper and start doodling like how i use to back in '95.