It is time I helped myself. Is this depression or is this just another fit of anger?

Charmaine and I had issues. That day we talked. Talked about how this could be better. How love could be less hurting. I couldn't understand. I just couldn't. I was sick. I couldn't love. My heart was a piece of rock, unfeeling. We were just talking. It was the blame game the whole train ride through. I felt sad because there was nothing I could do. I just didn't care. It was like "Mm..I love you. Yeap." I wasn't being sarcastic. I really did. Just that there were no sparkles nor pretty flowers. I was just a robot the whole way through. Everything she said went to my ear and gets stuck into my head where everything churned. Like a grinder. Jiggijug, Jiggijug.

At Bukit Batok, down the escalator, I realised how heartbroken I was by her accusations and I told her..."My sickness has kicked in. Don't treat my words seriously". I could sense tears in her eyes. But my face was a stone wall. She held my hand. I felt her warmth. But my sickness didn't let me feel it for long. I was sick.

I sent her to the lift. She hugged me. I didn't hug back. I wanted to but my other self couldn't. "Charmaine, I love you very much". I moved backwards away from her, "I really do." I saw her sad eyes. "But, my other self just can't." With that, I turned and walked away with my back facing her.


What did I just did. Badron, you are sick. No Badron. Why. Why did you do that. Argh. My head. I need a doctor. Shit. I need a doctor bad bad bad bad badly. Fuck. No. Shit. Argh. My head.

I collapsed to the ground.

Fuck. I must keep walking. Who is that behind. Oh no its her. No no no nononononono. She can't see me like this. Badron you're a beast. Fuck! Argh! My head. Fucking hate this. Haha. This rocks. HahahahaHAHAHAHA! Man...I need to just smash my head on that pillar. Or should I punch it? No. My hand will hurt. But. This feeling inside! I need to let it OUT! NOW! Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. She is following me. How how how how how. Argh my head. Pa...

She is coming close. I can hear her footsteps.

"Badron.."

Ah, her voice. Her sweet voice. "Go home Charmaine, go home...Haha go home..."


She stopped and watched me leave. I thought she would have watched me go all the way. But she turned behind and left me. It was a strange feeling. It was beyond sadness. Watching your love one watching you suffer is worse than the pain itself. I continued walking till I reached the bridge linking bukit batok and toh guan where I took the bus 176 to jurong east.


The bus door opened and I ran into his arms.

"Pa..."