Last night I broke down. Never was I like that ever. I guess that was the result of bottling up for 18 years. Trauma. Didn't know that I absorbed to much. Mom's fault. My fault? But I was still small. I guess today is the day which I got stronger. That was why I could tell her off and opened myself up. I was hiding a lot of thing from myself. In that state of mental blockage, all you can do is watch. Watch yourself prancing on the floor lying a dying worm. Writhing around, scratching the floor and pulling your hair. Encore! Punching the walls, bruise your knuckles! Stop! Freeze! Argh! SPASMS! Then you start to laugh and cry. "Hahaha! Why...why is ibu always hitting me, why! Hahaha!" I could feel her punch but she wasn't there. Phantom power! She was around me, prancing around like a hunter and I'm the dead wildebeest with the large dead eyes. But with a smile. Don't hit me ibu..

She grabbed me down and sat on me. Starting telling me about herself, about her condition! I KNOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME! ITS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! WHAT ABOUT ME! NOW IT IS ABOUT ME! AND WHAT DID YOU DO! TELL ME ABOUT YOU! WHERES MY COMFORT!

I need comfort paa....I need my comfort...

Ibu left the house...

Then I forgot what happened. But then..

I grab my dad, pa, ibu is coming! SHES COMING! Help me pa, help me...im begging you, protect me from her! Stop! Freeze! Argh! SPASMS! ARgh! damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitmdanmdadand. Whatswrongwifmewhatswrongwifmeawiasfasfnwhaidsa. Stood up. Starts to pace about. Punches the wall. "I HATE THIS! ALL THIS YEARS! SHE HAS BEEN CONTROLLING ME! LIKE, LIKE, LIKE THIS!" I lifted my hand out and stared at my fist. "LIKE A GOD!" I punched the wall again.

Then I fell to the ground having my spasms again. Muscle tense up, eyes tightly closed, you don't feel any pain. It is not a physical pain but it is all in the head. When your muscle tense up it is not because you are feeling hurt physically but it just decide to tense. Own will. Own time. Own target.

I rolled on the floor, scratching the surface "Arghh...paaaaa...I hate it...I hate it paaaa...I wanna get out of this shithole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARAGHHHHHHalfdhalfaaf!" Then i cried somemore.


Badron, come, take medicine. Drink water, think of God. Read Ayat Kursi..

"I can't paaa...Read for me please..."

He began to read. And I listened. I listened. It was beautiful.


"Satan, I hate you...why can't you just repent and pray to God. Why must you go around corrupting people. It's sad..."

I took the medicine. 2 tablets. 1000mg. Ativan.

5 minutes, I felt better. I lay there still in that blocked state. But at least I have stopped my violent antics. I just laid there, body laid straight out. Hands on my chest. My eyes are closed. Then I started to whisper out all my problems. Dad was there but I felt non-existent. I just wanted to lie down.




and float away......
I hope this how death is like....
so...
beautiful....