For more than 18 years, my dad and I thought it was just her sickness. My mom is suffering from depression. My dad has brought her to see many doctors. The medicine worked but only for a while. There were side-effects for every medicine she took and they were lousy. Practically ruining her life. But then again without them she would be worst.

As a child, I had to go through a lot. My mom's sudden rage and anger, her sudden tears of unhappiness and fear. Well, I lived in trauma. I could still remember what she told me when I was primary 5: "When you sleep, I will stab your heart with a knife!" I know that she did not mean what she said. She was sick. Well, I was young and I was very affected.

Now she takes medicine but how about all those years when she was young? Well, her parents brought her to see medicine doctors and bomohs, to her displeasure because she knows that medicine doctors do rituals that go against God by giving power to other beings: jinns and the devil. Obviously they do not work but what if I tell you that maybe those jinns involved in the 'healing' ritual take the advantage to possess her as they know that she is weak physically and also weak in the iman (belief in God).

Fast forward to 2007...

My dad and I have always been curious about our religion. We read books and did research on other religions and we found out that yes, Islam is the most sensible religion to follow. The basics of Islam is that there is only one divine power and that is God and His power is not shared among idols, objects or person. He controls everything and only He do we pray to.

The thing is, Islam is spread into a number of factions just like the Christians and the Catholics. So, my dad and I went reading on and we found out that the rituals that we have been doing isn't quite right and it clashes with the prophet's teachings. In the Al-Quran, we are told not to carry out bid'ah. Bid'ah is basically actions which the prophets do not teach. But the thing is, many Muslims, take this for granted. For example, in the mosque, many muslims have a habit of asking God for blessings after the normal praying ritual. This is wrong. Our prophet, Prophet Muhammad, states in his hadith that in the prayer itself, there are parts where you should ask for your blessings. For example parts like when you sujud and after reading your tahiyat. But when questioned, these muslims will say that, "its good why not do it". But then again, a lot of things other religions do which is good. For example, Hindus carry out the carrying the Kavadi procession. It is a good practise as it reminds you of God as inflicting pain makes you feel pathetic and in the mercy of Him but the prophet does not teach it, and so we do not do it.

This 'extremism' isn't very acceptable by many. But as a Muslim, I say that there is no such thing as a moderate Muslim. Its either you are a muslim or you are not. Black or White. Heaven or Hell. But I got to admit that its hard being a Muslim. But most importantly, I am trying.

2007.

While my dad and I getting more religious, my mom got worst and worst. Just last month, she exploded into this state of monstrosity that I have not seen in my entire life. For the first time after 10 years of getting used to her, I was afraid.

That day, I started to belief in ghosts. She was shaking about and she was screaming. Not a human scream but one of a demon. I swear in the name of God. I am not lying. If only I could video record the scene. But I was just frozen stiff.

I was alone with her.

When she entered my room and started crying on the floor, I grabbed her and started reciting surahs from the Al-Quran. She quietened down as I read surah Al-Fatihah the fifth time. I put her to bed and she fell asleep

Day 3

In day 2, she slept most of the day. In day 3, something happened which I have forgotten. She got provoked and she started screaming and trembling. Then she started walking around aimlessly and crying non stop. Her hands were shaking and she was in a state of distress. When she got worst my dad started reciting the surahs. It got worst and worst. Then my dad hugged her and comforted while reading it loudly and clearly to her. She started wailing and screaming. It was very scary. It was like, every syllable that my dad spoke burnt the flesh out of her. I could see fire in her eyes. She was struggling and struggling.

After 1 hour of struggling, she relaxed and my dad stopped reading. Bad mistake.

She stood up and hugged the wall. Then she turned towards us and stared. Then the confrontation began. She started talking to us, accusing us of doing things. She talked in this very frightening manner. Like she would strike anytime.

Then I felt it.

I felt the devil whispering into my ear. I felt evil. Then my mom stared at me. Eye to eye.

I smiled and I laughed. It was crazy...... poor dad.

Day X (From that day onwards)

Things just started getting worst and worst. My room was in a mess, I do not feel focused. I never swept the floor and my clothes are littered everywhere but I do not seem to care. I just cared about my work and my girlfriend. Then one night I felt it. It was 2am and I was trying to sleep as usual. But something was bothering me. Then I felt something in my room. It was a being. It was standing near my table and at times it would pass my bed. It was very frightening. My head filled with thoughts of ghost and Chucky's face appeared a couple of times. I could not take it so I left my room and I sat at the living room.

The next day I cleaned up my room and everything went well.

Everything was alright after that...

Last week mom even prayed together with us. It was a very special moment for me. At night when she cannot sleep, she even read the Quran. I was very happy with the state our family is in.



Until yesterday.



Nothing like yesterday have happened before. Never. Never in my entire life have I seen what my mom did. It was much worst than whatever I had faced. Even the exorcism was not as bad as what I saw.

Last night our family were having dinner. My dad cooked but I ate KFC as usual. I sat at the living room whereas my parents sat at the dining table. We weren't very far apart. Then I heard my mom said something. So I said, wait ah. Then she said it again. But this time, I heard my dad say, "who are you talking to". God. Help her.

I went to the dining table to see her stoned but still eating. She was fined except that she looked like she was some place else. I looked at dad and then back at her. Then I said softly, "Are you alright". She replied. "I only have 6 months! 6 months left to live!". Then she ate again. I was stunned.

Usually, when she is sick, or when she is talking to herself, she would know that she is talking. She would know that she said something and something wrong. She would be aware about her sickness. But this time, she said it like she meant it. She was really in her own world. She was in a trance. She could be talking to somebody else.


She was.


When will this end.



Now here I am. Typing this entry. I hope somebody out there can feel for us. It is hard being a good Muslim. Rejection from the community. Rejection from yourself and now my family is having a war with satan himself.


God i'm begging you to give us the strength to pull this through. Ameen.

Labels: depression, exorcism, help, Islam, mental, muslim, salaf, salafi, sick