God...

I feel like dying again. And it isnt 11:30 yet. I think this time I really would.

Something is wrong with me...I feel so...dead on the outside...

Inside me is filled with emotions, feelings, but they are not shown on the outside. People look at me like a fucking robot.

Im a very serious person. I talk only when I think its necessary. This is who I am. So you better fucking accept this because I cant change. Its all genetics and also thats how I am brought up by my parents. Serious, proper, motivated, intense, on-the-ball.

But not being able to express or let it all out is driving me insane.

When I feel sad, I just sit there.

When I feel angry, I just sit there.

When I feel happy, I just sit there and smile.

When I feel agitated, I just sit there.

When I feel fucked up, I just sit there.


When I was small, I heard voices. Schizophrenia?

My parents have talked about this to our family doctor. He said not to send me to a psychiatrist because this thing will go away. He said that if I were to go to a psychiatrist, Ill be labelled as a mentally sick fucking piece of shit.

Im angry inside.

Thats what they all say.

I dont know.

Ive always had these visions

*
Im with my mom, this guy came up to my mom and insulted her. I shove the guy. He went to me to pick a fight. I just stood there, not moving. He kept yelling at me. I just kept boiling, unmoving. In the end, I gave him one punch, 2 punches, 3, no 4, I just kept doing it. I kept punching him.

Until
He
Died.
I killed him.
*
Another vision
*
I went to meet Charmaine at the bustop. Many Commonwealthians were there. I was there. This guy came up to me. He wanted to pick a fight. I just kept boiling, unmoving. In the end, I gave him one punch, 2 punches, 3, no 4, I just kept doing it. I kept punching him.

I kicked him in the face, shoved him on the road and a car hit him.

He
Died.
I killed him.
*
Another vision
*
I jumped. 14 stories down. I was unafraid. Because I knew that, when I land, I would be unhurt. I would land on my shoulders first. Then I would get up and look up.
*
Another vision
*
Im on my way home I see my mom's body falling, falling, falling, gone. Screaming all the way.
*
Another vision
*
I get a telephone call, my dad just died
*


I want to get hit by a car. Wouldnt that be perfect.

That had been my childhood dream.


Im sick, Im tired of sitting here alone, on my desk in this room, in this place. My dad is working. My mom is sick, sleeping. Loneliness drives a man mad. Im beyond mad.

Everyday, I wake up, alone, preparing my own meals. My dad is working. My mom is sick, sleeping.

My only companion is my laptop. My pet. My blog is the person whom I express my feelings too.
Some people said I was a workaholic. But work is the only thing that can keep me sane. I miss my secondary school life. Even though it sucks, it still have some good memories. Remember those girls you used to have crushes on? Remember copying homework all the time? Remember going to KFC to slave through your revision? Remember fighting at the cantten? Damn...you should have given that dude a sucker punch. Remember? Remember cheating in that test? Remember going for detention? Aah...

Im an adult now. Its confirmed. I dont want this.

Me: Pa, I should have commited suicide when I was a child. At least I would have gotten straight to heaven.

Pa: Only a really traumatised child would have done that.

Who said i wasnt traumatised. Whats up with the voices? Whats up my intense fear? A NORMAL THING?! YOU CALL THAT A FUCKING NORMAL THING!?

I should have jumped when I was a child. At least when I was sec 3.

But thats being selfish. What will happen to Ma and Pa? I dont know. What will happen to the people around me? I dont know. But this is my life. I have to go through it. I have to live it. Not them. They only care about their comfort. They will miss me because I gave them comfort. They will miss me because I was around. But if they know how much pain I have to go through, they will let me go. When Im around them they say Im happy. Thats because automatically, my behaviour will change when around them. When im alone. This happens. Thats it. Now look who's selfish now?! ME OR THEM! AH!

Tsk, Badron, keep calm, just relax. Okay, when people come to you for comfort, what do you tell them? Relax right? Well, now Badron, relax.

Nonono....damnit man you asshole. Stop hiding your feelings!!! Fucking bastard. Look, even as i speak, I have the same composure. Im not slouching, Im not frowning. IM A FUCKING ROBOT THATS WHAT I AM.

Okay, I understand how you feel, I am you remember? Trust me...now go and change your clothes, and leave the house. Do it. Trust me.

Its only safe at home. If I leave, Ill be tempted to just jump. Dont do this, please...

Trust me. Leave this place. Go.

Okay...goodbye