Thursday, April 05, 2007
12:22 AM

Its better to hold fears close until proved you hold nothing but air. Saying your worries out loud only make trouble. Put on a false smile until the time it becomes real, and the world will welcome you.
Its too late for that now isnt it?
Talked to my dad...yeah, I cant blame anyone....People say that im not open. Its not that im not. Its just that, im a people person. I have to be around people, to be happy. Im happy around people. Im genuinely happy around u people. Im not hiding anything. When im around you people, I totally forgot everything. So please, understand.
This problem of mind, can only be solved by me and me only. I appreciate all your encouragment. I do not intend to see a doctor or a counsellor because I do not trust myself to be able to let it all out in front of strangers.
This is a sickness. Just a sickness. Chemical imbalance in the brain. I guess this is, genetics. Grandpa, grandma, auntie, uncle, mom.....me.
In the beginning, I wanted to scream my head off in this blog. Maybe I should...
nah...
Right now, Im lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. 1,2 no 3 cracks. Will it collapse? Hmm...nah...I prefer to die getting hit by a car.
Ya knw, sometimes I feel like Im an immortal. Thats why I have no fear when I wanted to jump, because I know that I wont die. Thats why Im not afraid to get hit by a car. Because I know I wont die. I believe Ill simple get hit, fly a couple of yards and just maybe scrape my jeans off. yeah. Thats it.
I feel so alone right now, tomorrow, Im gna go out. Maybe go to town? yep. Alone...yeah....its the norm anyway. Shopping, no cash. ATM? I feel like withdrawing $500 bucks and spend my brains out. That would make me happy. Yep. haha
Maybe 2 jeans, 1 band shirt, 2 polo tees, that macbeth eyewear, mm, 1 shirt, mm...and maybe ill buy some stuff for my lovelies...yea know who u are...mmm...what else, yeah maybe ill go for a spa, and a massage too.
Lol...im gna try to spend all that money before i get tempted to buy a pack of Marlboros...yeah...temptation, curiousity and pure boredom.
Maybe tomorrow Ill go watch a movie, laugh to myself, sit right in front, first row, alone, like a total moron...yeah
My head is beginning to ache...
I do not wish to acknowledge this but I have to. This sickness. Im just afraid. As afraid as my mom.
Depression is the number 1 mental illness in the world. Most people have it but they do not wish to acknowledge it. They 'attempt' to get rid of it by cheating themselves. eg. Pretending, shopping, acting...
The problem is...they are afraid that they would be rejected by the community. BUT. THE COMMUNITY THEMSELVE KNOW THAT THEY ARE SICK. AND THAT WE ARE ALL FUCKING SIMILAR. WE ARE ALL SICK BASTARDS!! WE KNOW WE ARE SICK...BUT WE LOOK AT THOSE WHO DARE TO REVEAL THEIR TRUE NATURE DIFFERENTLY.
I FUCKING DARE TO SHOW WHO I AM.
AND I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME!
ILL BE WHO I WANNA BE AND YOU BETTER FUCKING ACCEPT ME!
im an angry person inside...satan?
God...
Im sitting here, alone, ma, pa is sleeping. The chair seems comfortable...The curtains are floating gently by the breeze. I can feel the wind embracing me. Loving me. Comforting me. I feel so blessed. Comfotrtable. Holding me like a mother to a child. Its so quiet. So calm. So beautiful.
im feeling tears...
God...
thank you