11:30 (part 2)


My demons in me are erupting,

from my chest they fight to burst out through my skin.

Only I can feel the pain.

Throbbing through my veins they flutter right into my brain.

As I lay there hoping to sleep, they fire up my eyes...hoping

hoping to kill me and turn me into one of them.

My fury is triggered by grieve and fueled by regret...

my grieve, my regret...


I nearly died again this afternoon. Nearly got hit by a bus. Twice. Two buses, two different times, two similar chances. It was so easy to just die.

That moment when you die is just like taking a photograph. You freeze, smile and there, a flash of light. But in death the flash remains forever.

I dont know what is making me this frustrated and suicidal these days. Maybe its because I have been surpressing too much. Surpressing too much and lying to the people around you. Lying to them so that you can give them hope of a listening ear. But really, it is for the good of others. Nobody wants to see you suffer. I suffer alone, for the sake of others. But some people take me for granted. These words I type are slowly healing my wound, but I suppose I might regret. People will run. People will run when they know how fucked I am. I am taking my chances here.

1 year ago, I said to myself. Im going to be a new person. I opened the book. I read the tips. To be a new guy. I transformed myself. I threw my demons behind me. Things worked out great. People liked me. People appreciated me. People loved me.

But it takes a lot of effort.


I liked it. But I missed my old self. My old "demonic" self. Ya know, that quiet guy who goes around walking alone, emoing by himself, doing things by himself..reading a book in the corner.

Well...that guy no matter how weird he may be, is comfortable being himself. He doesnt have much friends but at least he has an IDENTITY.

Unlike today, now, he is sitting here, alone, being nobody. Neither here, neither there. 2 paths to choose.

Follow the book, remain as that great guy whom everyone loves, cheats himself, die out, cannot keep it up any longer, loses everything.

or

Loses everything, be the same ol' Badron, feels comfortable being himself, dies alone but happy because he knows he is not cheating himself.



Sigh...


Crap, I need a hug.



ok im desperate. God oh God! Please help me...I have been having this problem since I was born. Genetics you say...my dad is just like this...serious...boring...my mom is also...serious...strict...proper...I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!! IT SUCKS!!! BECAUSE PEOPLE FEEL WEIRD AROUND YOU!!! BECAUSE YOU JUST CANNOT CLICK OR CONNECT WITH ANYONE!!! ITS NOT ONLY ONE!! NOT TWO!!! BUT EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!!!!


Mom gave me the book to be a better person.




I give up.